A Different Spring Break

This is the first time in a few years that I've been at home over Spring Break.  The last two years, I've left for Haiti as soon as I could leave work Friday afternoon and spent 7 wonderful days in a beautiful country filled with hurting, yet strong people that have sweet spirits and gorgeous smiles.  I learned a little bit of Kreole and ate delicious food.  I hiked a REALLY hard trail and held a friend's hair while she puked over the side. I saw gorgeous mountain sides with clouds wisping by.  I worshiped the Lord at the top of that hard trail and, while I didn't forget how hard that trail had been, I didn't mind it any more.  I crossed fast moving creeks while holding cinder blocks and bags of food and toys.  I rode on the back of a moto and had a truck almost clip my leg.  I learned car horns can be used for MANY things, mostly positive. :)

I was challenged to share what the Lord was teaching me and to always use "I" or "me" instead of the more general "we".

I met Lacey and Mark Stockeland and their two sweet children and made friends for life.

Friends from Houston's First Baptist Church are in Haiti this week, and I am blessed to be able to pray for them.

I love my Spring Break plans for this year and am excited for what is ahead in the coming weeks.  But Haiti will always hold a dear place in my heart.

A Reminder of How Far I've Come

Sometimes I don't realize how long the road of becoming a licensed foster parent has been until I'm talking to someone at the beginning. Believe me, I know I still have a LOT to learn and a LONG way to go.  But, tonight I had a conversation with someone who's sister/brother in law are at the very beginning of the application process and she had SO many questions and it was a blessing to realize how far I've come.  Every meeting, every phone call, every email is a learning experience...and it can definitely be overwhelming.  It was nice to finally be the one that had a few answers instead of oh, so many questions!

Fostering: A decision

I am surrounded by loving and supportive girl friends and family that are willing to pray with me and for me.  They're willing to be my sounding board and my voice of reason when I'm being all emotional.

Philippians 4:7 "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

After yesterday's post, I had a restful night of sleep.  I had emailed my girls, my prayer warriors.  I had conversed with one good friend of several years and one soon to be good friend that is a few months ahead of me down this road of single fostering.  I could let this worry go...and sleep.

I left God is a Warrior playing softly on repeat.  

And I slept.  

I talked with Mom and Dad today and told them my new friend's advice and parts of her story.  I cried.  I started feeling all "mama-bear-ish" for the little one coming, and I don't even have her yet!

I'm not really a crier.  I mean, I tear up in sappy movies, sure.  But, I rarely get all emotional about life.  When I cry, it's either a single tear or two...or it's body shaking sobs.  I've already cried for my little girl several times.  Really cried.  In the last 24 hours.  It's like I'm hormonal and pregnant or something ;)  Good thing I'm not getting any weird cravings!

I jest, but this has been one wild ride of expectant motherhood.

It ain't for the faint of heart!

I've emailed Arrow and confirmed I am sticking with licensing for one child.  I will trust in the Lord's timing for when He has a precious one for me.

One or Two, What Should I Do?

I received an email from Arrow this afternoon that froze me.  I had been told years ago to expect this.  I might have even been told more recently than that, but it wasn't on my radar and I emotionally froze.  I closed the email and continued teaching my students and sent them on a lovely Spring Break and drove to meet V for dinner and a movie without thinking about it again.  Um,  yeah.  If you know me at ALL, you know this is abnormal.  I think about something TO DEATH sometimes.

Arrow wants me to strongly consider being licensed for two girls.  They don't receive many single placements in my age range and while it would always be on a case by case basis, they think two would help me receive a placement.

I just described to you what my brain did.  Hard shutdown.

I had forgotten that they would pressure me to accept more than I had asked for.  I wasn't emotionally prepared to think about it, face it, deal with.

When I started talking about it with V, logistical questions arose.  What about a bed?  It's no longer man on man defense.  They outnumber me!  Where is the second one going to sleep!  Two.  TWO!  I'm just one.  single.  girl.  I'm not super woman.  Throughout so much of this process, I have been trembling inside the whole time.  I'm not strong.  I'm petrified.  PETRIFIED.  I'm alone and that's scary.  I've never been a parent.  And that's scary.  I so want to love her well.  But, what about when I mess up?  She's already had the kind of life that caused her to be removed from the human beings that should love her above all else.  My stumbling around not knowing how to be a parent could be huge.  See?  Fear!

I'm just a teacher making less than most of America.  I can't provide the same lifestyle she could get with a two parent home.  I just can't.  And two cost more.  That's just facts.  See?  Fear!

But then I start thinking about how she could have a sister to play with and fight with and learn social skills with and learn to face life head on together.  That would be amazing, right?

Ok, but back to logistics.  I have a trundle that literally does not have space to be pulled out.  Which means buying a bunk bed, which is doable....but is that even the path I want to take?  The path of two?  How do I know?

I am 100% positive the Lord has called me to foster, but the small details He hasn't been as clear on.  Timing (Summer?  School year?  Now?  Fall?)  He hasn't given as much direction.  Numbers (One?  Two?)  I know there are times in my life He can glorify Himself as He wants to no matter which path I choose.  I know that.  That doesn't mean I don't want Him to just make the decision and allow me to be obedient.  I can do that.  I can be obedient.  Just don't ask me to choose.  That's hard!

I "met" a Facebook friend tonight for the first time.  We talked on the phone almost 30 minutes and she was so gracious to share her experiences with me.  Some things I hadn't thought about that will break my heart when the time comes.  Some points I just wasn't sure of, she cleared up.  The entire conversation was a gift from the Lord, and I am so grateful.

One thing I do know...this has magnified being single.  Being single sucks.  There are certain aspects of single hood that don't bother me. (but that's not really the point of this particular post.)  There are certain aspects I'd thought of in regards to parenting: loving her, raising her, looking towards her future, having a solid, Christian man around to show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman, disciplining her, having a second set of hands around, and the list continues.

One thing I hadn't thought of...that will be excruciatingly painful for me.  I will have no one to talk with about certain things.  It will be HER story to share and there will be SO much of it that I cannot share.  And that will be hard.  I will cry alone.  And that will be hard.  I will parent alone.  And that will be hard.  I will not be the only one to love her, but I will be the one to raise her for the precious time we have together.  And I will be alone.


And...well....that just stinks.


I'm crying for the second time tonight.  Because my heart is already breaking for the little one He has for me.  And because I'm listening to God is a Warrior on repeat...and it has a whole new meaning for me tonight.

God is a Warrior

We sang this song in church on Sunday.  One of our worship leaders, Isaac Wimberley, wrote it.    Don't just read the words...try to visualize them. :)


God is a Warrior, fighting for me
Forever reigning in victory
He has defeated death and the grave
Overcome sin with the power to save

Oh, strong and mighty is His name
So, strong and mighty is His name

There in the face of enemy
You have prepared a place for me
Though I walk through shadows dark
You put a song in my heart

Defending Your glory, you have conquered all
The kingdom, the power is yours

God is a Warrior, fighting for me
Forever reigning in victory
He has defeated death and the grave
Overcome sin with the power to save

He is my strength!  He is my song!
He is the God of my salvation
2x

God is a Warrior, fighting for me
Forever reigning in victory
He has defeated death and the grave
Overcome sin with the power to save
2x


Ok, this is me again...  :)

God is a WARRIOR, y'all!  A WARRIOR!  So often, I think I visualize Him as a peaceful, loving, gracious Lord.  A gracious Father, a Loving Counselor.  And He is....Oh, He IS!

But, this is a different picture.  I'm thinking a combination of Mel Gibson in Braveheart and Russell Crowe in Gladiator...but so much better.  SO MUCH BETTER!  He is a warrior.  AND...oh, AND, He is fighting for me!

He has already conquered anything I will ever face.  Anything my mind could even possibly conjure up.  He has conquered it.  CONQUERED it, y'all.

Worried, I'm going to be single forever?  He's conquered that worry.  He's conquered facing life alone.

Frustrated and heart sick with the neglect and abuse children are facing?  He's conquered it.  CONQUERED it, DEAD!  He is with them.

Knots in my stomach over becoming a single parent ON PURPOSE?  Oh, yeah, He helped Mary when Joseph wanted to walk away.  He has CONQUERED that, too.

But, Lord, what about _______________________?  Y'all.  Whatever worry you're putting in the blank.  He's conquered it.  He's defeated death.  He rose from the grave.

He is strong and mighty.  Not even just Him and His presence....but His name.  His name!!  Can your name be called strong and mighty?  Nope.  Mine neither.  But, my God's name is strong and mighty.  He's a warrior fighting for me...and for you.  He is reigning in victory.

He's got this.  My God's a warrior.  I don't need to worry.

Debt Free!

The one thought that is constantly crashing in my mind this weekend is that I'M DEBT FREE!


The only word I can use to describe the emotion of this particular place in life I have found myself is relief.

Utter and profound relief.  I don't owe.  I'm not accumulating interest.  I can use my money as I WANT to rather than as I HAVE to.  I've had a car payment for the last 9 years and began working on my master's degree 6  years ago.  This has been a long time coming...most of my adult life has included some form of debt.  When the March paycheck comes in and I'm budgeting for April, I almost think I won't know what to do with myself.

Part of me wants to go buy something luxurious.  And, I admit, an iPad is being purchased next week.

But, I'm not going bonkers.  I've set a goal to purchase a home by the time I'm 35.  That's not THAT long away, but it's a goal.  That means all the money that was going to M.Ed. and Honda are now going towards a home.

I am constantly in awe of God's goodness and provision.  In August, as I was preparing my classroom, I remember a trip to a teacher supply store.  I needed a small item that cost less than $5, and I bought it...but knew I shouldn't have, because I flat out could NOT afford it.  I wasn't sure how I was going to pay September's rent, much less the car payment and certainly didn't need to be spending 2.99 on a classroom item.

I remember another moment when I was painfully aware of the $14 I had in my checking account, but was going to a dinner meeting in which every person was supposed to bring an item.

That was August, people.  August!  7 months ago...and God has provided a steady income, of not only my primary career, but also of tutoring students.  I'm currently tutoring 5 students and two of them would like to meet more than once a week, but it's hard to schedule that many sessions!  Two students came to my home this weekend, they were so desperate for tutoring!

There have been many years when my tax return came at just the right time to pay for an emergency, but this year, I was able to use it to pay off the finishing touches on both my M.Ed. and my Accord.  Thank you, Lord!  You are a God who provides and I see Your hand every day.

Getting Ahead of Myself

Since before I moved, I have said I was going to give myself one full school year to learn a new job and then bring home a little girl at the beginning of the summer (ideally) so we could bond over summer break before going back to school together.

Around November, I began to think "I've got this down" and maybe could bring home a little one earlier than summer.  Also, the paperwork and process was moving along and I hadn't gotten (I don't think gotten is a word, but I'm using it anyway.  Y'all know what I mean.) to the point where I had to put myself on the "Do not call list."  I think that point will be hard since I've worked so long to get this far.

Then I had the nastiest parent conference of my career.  And I realized maybe waiting til summer is still a good idea.

Things have calmed down since that conference, and again I'd started to think I could handle balancing work and parenting. (I know...all you parents are thinking "You just wait.  It's doable.  But it's WAY harder than you think."  I can comprehend it's going to be harder than I think...but it's still going to happen at some point.  Sink or swim, right?)

At the end of November, I thought I was going to have a home study writer in the next week or so.  Half way through December, I hadn't heard anything, so I emailed to follow up and found out the EARLIEST I will even be ASSIGNED a home study writer is the end of January.  Meaning it might be the end of February or end of March or...well, you get the idea.  And just because I'm assigned a writer, doesn't mean they come out johnny on the spot.

Background info: Home Study writers are assigned based on need and availability.  If a couple says they will take any gender, any ethnicity, any age, then their home study is *snap* and done.  If a couple says they want a Caucasian infant girl, then there's is L. A. S. T. and others that get to the home study point in the process way after them will still get a home study done before they do.  Problem is I don't know where a single parent open to any ethnicity 5-10 year old girl lies in that list.  Also, I have limited it to ONE girl and there is a drastic need for foster parents willing to take sibling groups.  I just don't have the space.  (Anyone want to give me a down payment for a house?  I'll take you up on it under the condition of you expect nothing in return but silly pictures drawn by little ones and maybe angry frowns or a thrown stuffed animal or two.)  Anyway, back to reality.  I have a two bedroom apartment.  I can take one little girl.

God has done this in the past...to me anyway.  Let me amend that.  He does it FOR me.  I get ahead of myself and I know it.  I remember my first year teaching.  I was in a new city.  Joining a new church.  Making new friends.  Being a FIRST  YEAR TEACHER, people.  FIRST YEAR stinks.  I had committed to myself and a couple of good girl friends that I was going to give myself a year before committing to anything outside of work.  No volunteering. No leadership position.  No nothing.

But there was this guy,  you see....and it wasn't a demanding leadership position.  It wouldn't be hard.  It wouldn't be out of the realm of something I could handle.  And it was April, so I was ALMOST done with my first year of teaching.  (I'm good at justifying.  Can you tell?)

Yeah, God put a stop to me volunteering.  Boy or not, God knew what was best for me.

That's where I am now.  I know the best thing is to wait a full school year.  I am learning a new school.  I am learning a new school district.  I am learning a new team.  I AM LEARNING.  This isn't comfortable and familiar yet, even when my big head thinks I've got it under control.

So, God has put me somewhere on the list unbeknownst to me.  But, I know He won't have a little girl for me until He knows I'm ready.

And, I can trust Him and His timing, not mine.