Sunday, January 06, 2013

Getting Ahead of Myself

Since before I moved, I have said I was going to give myself one full school year to learn a new job and then bring home a little girl at the beginning of the summer (ideally) so we could bond over summer break before going back to school together.

Around November, I began to think "I've got this down" and maybe could bring home a little one earlier than summer.  Also, the paperwork and process was moving along and I hadn't gotten (I don't think gotten is a word, but I'm using it anyway.  Y'all know what I mean.) to the point where I had to put myself on the "Do not call list."  I think that point will be hard since I've worked so long to get this far.

Then I had the nastiest parent conference of my career.  And I realized maybe waiting til summer is still a good idea.

Things have calmed down since that conference, and again I'd started to think I could handle balancing work and parenting. (I know...all you parents are thinking "You just wait.  It's doable.  But it's WAY harder than you think."  I can comprehend it's going to be harder than I think...but it's still going to happen at some point.  Sink or swim, right?)

At the end of November, I thought I was going to have a home study writer in the next week or so.  Half way through December, I hadn't heard anything, so I emailed to follow up and found out the EARLIEST I will even be ASSIGNED a home study writer is the end of January.  Meaning it might be the end of February or end of March or...well, you get the idea.  And just because I'm assigned a writer, doesn't mean they come out johnny on the spot.

Background info: Home Study writers are assigned based on need and availability.  If a couple says they will take any gender, any ethnicity, any age, then their home study is *snap* and done.  If a couple says they want a Caucasian infant girl, then there's is L. A. S. T. and others that get to the home study point in the process way after them will still get a home study done before they do.  Problem is I don't know where a single parent open to any ethnicity 5-10 year old girl lies in that list.  Also, I have limited it to ONE girl and there is a drastic need for foster parents willing to take sibling groups.  I just don't have the space.  (Anyone want to give me a down payment for a house?  I'll take you up on it under the condition of you expect nothing in return but silly pictures drawn by little ones and maybe angry frowns or a thrown stuffed animal or two.)  Anyway, back to reality.  I have a two bedroom apartment.  I can take one little girl.

God has done this in the me anyway.  Let me amend that.  He does it FOR me.  I get ahead of myself and I know it.  I remember my first year teaching.  I was in a new city.  Joining a new church.  Making new friends.  Being a FIRST  YEAR TEACHER, people.  FIRST YEAR stinks.  I had committed to myself and a couple of good girl friends that I was going to give myself a year before committing to anything outside of work.  No volunteering. No leadership position.  No nothing.

But there was this guy,  you see....and it wasn't a demanding leadership position.  It wouldn't be hard.  It wouldn't be out of the realm of something I could handle.  And it was April, so I was ALMOST done with my first year of teaching.  (I'm good at justifying.  Can you tell?)

Yeah, God put a stop to me volunteering.  Boy or not, God knew what was best for me.

That's where I am now.  I know the best thing is to wait a full school year.  I am learning a new school.  I am learning a new school district.  I am learning a new team.  I AM LEARNING.  This isn't comfortable and familiar yet, even when my big head thinks I've got it under control.

So, God has put me somewhere on the list unbeknownst to me.  But, I know He won't have a little girl for me until He knows I'm ready.

And, I can trust Him and His timing, not mine.

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