Thursday, August 09, 2012

Does God have a husband for me?

A friend and I were talking on the phone the other day and our conversation was reminiscent of so many others.

We're single.  And, lemme tell ya, that can cause some awkward conversations.

"Oh, HI so-and-so-younger-woman-I-haven't-seen-in-a-long-time-but-used-to-teach-in-Sunday-School, How are you!?  Are you married yet?  Gasp!  No? Well, why not?  What are those men thinking?"

How are we supposed to reply to that?

Even better is when they start giving platitudes.  "Well, when you stop looking, is when you'll find him."  or "I know it's hard, but you will enjoy the blessing so much more later."  or "Look at all the things you've been able to do because you're NOT married."  or "I'm sure he's out there somewhere.  God must still be working on him, because you're great!"  (Really?)

I just love when a friend who's been married, divorced and married again tries to give encouragement.  It's a little hard to take seeing as how they've gotten to have TWO men and I just want one committed man.  (I'm not trying to be disrespectful to the pain of divorce.  It sucks.  I've walked through it with close friends.  I know it sucks.  I'm just describing the flash of pain on the part of a single.)

Anyway, that's some back story.  I've always had a glimmer of something.  Not something I can really put my hands on, but...something.  That I may not get married.  The Lord may not have a husband planned for me.  When I tell people that, they typically react with surprise and more platitudes.  "Oh, Alyssa, you can't know that!  I'm sure He has someone for you!  The desire of your heart is to get married and you will be a great mom some day!"

With that kind of reaction, I've learned not to mention my glimmer of something very often.

Yes, I would love to have a man pursue me.  Yes, I would love to be found worthy of a man's pursuits.  Yes, I crave to be found cherishable and valuable in the eyes of a brother in Christ.  So cherishable and valuable that he wants to be with me for life.

Yes, scripture tells us in Psalms 37: 3-4

3                Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 
Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, 
    your vindication like the noonday sun.
And so often, people quote these scriptures when they want something.  I have done it.  I have learned over the years though, that the Lord wants me to want HIM.  My purpose on this Earth is to glorify HIM.  He wants the desires of my heart to be to glorify HIM and Him alone.

Romans 15:5-7

New International Version (NIV)
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

My prayer is that the desires of my heart will be to glorify Jesus Christ alone.  Yes, I'd love to be married.  Yes, I'd love to birth children and be a stay at home mom someday.  Yes, these are desires knitted in my heart deeply.  But, I am content with Christ.  I look to Him for my joy.  I seek Him for peace and contentment.  

Being content with where Christ has me right now, means I can live life now and not think I have to wait to live life once I have a husband.  I am free to serve Christ now, with whatever He calls me to do, because I'm not in constant waiting for what might be in the wings.

I'm challenging all my single friends...well, really any friends, to join me in this prayer.  Are you content with where Christ has you right now?  If not, start praying for Christ to show you Himself in an even bigger way.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

My eyes have been on the wrong prize

I've been thinking about this post for awhile.  I hope I get all the words right.

I've realized recently that I have a lot to learn.  Don't get me wrong.  This is not a new phenomenon.  But, hey, we all need to be reminded occasionally, right?

I received my last pay check from HISD on June 20.  It was 3.5 paychecks all in one lump sum.  If I had received them as individual paychecks, I would have received the 3rd one on August 1.

Moving is expensive.  Can I get an "Amen!"?

I receive my first paycheck from Frisco ISD on September 15.  For those of you doing the math, that means I'm missing two paychecks.  And for those of you checking a calendar for today's date, that means I'm out of money.  As in, I don't have funds for September's rent or car payment.  I can pay this month's car insurance, but won't have finances for next month's car insurance.

Throughout all of this, I have realized I have trusted myself for my finances.  Wow!  That's an eye opening and convicting thought.  Yuck!  Believe you, me.  I've had several conversations with myself about this.  "What a minute, Alyssa!  You mean, you haven't been trusting the Lord to provide for you daily?!  You know better than that."

I'm right.

I do know better than that.

I'm not sure when my mindset started to slide, but I began to trust in my bank account and not in the One who created me and my needs.  I began to think I was hot stuff, and did not give credit to the One who deserves ALL credit.  I'm humbled to realize I became arrogant.  I'm sickened to think that I began to take my "American" way of life for granted.  I've been out of this country.  I've seen the way most of the world lives.  We, here in America, we're the weird ones.  We're NOT normal.  I began to think I was better.  I can't excuse that.  I'm not okay with that, even.  But, in looking back, I realize that was my mindset.

I have no idea where groceries are going to come from, how rent is going to be paid, or how I will safely drive my car.  I don't have an inkling how the car payment will get paid, or the electricity bill or how I will have gas in my car.  And, right now, I'm not okay with that.  I'm working to trust...but I'm not there yet.  I'm working to believe in Him for all of my needs, but I'm struggling with how much change that means He's asking of me.

And that's the bottom line, isn't it?  He wants change.  And change is hard.  He wants all of my trust.  And I didn't think I was, but apparently I'm giving that grudgingly.  I'm praying for a heart change.  And I'm asking Him to provide that heart change.  Once He provides that, and I know He will, then I will no longer need to worry about finances, because my changed heart will know He will take care of it.