Sunday, October 17, 2010

I'm never going to get it right...and I need to stop beating myself up about it.

A friend of mine has this has his FB status today: 

"Every week when I leave church I am convicted of just how much I rely on myself and how I can handle things.... And how little I rely on Christ and how HE handles everything! I'm 32 years old and it seems I have to learn this weekly... Make that daily."

Not even an hour ago, I was on the phone with my mom fussing about how much grad school is ruling my life.  I mean SERIOUSLY ruling my life.  I have a paper due tomorrow, a thesis outline and references due Wednesday, a Reflection paper due Wednesday, a huge paper due November 8 that has probably 100 hours of preparation linked to it...and I could go on and on.  Yes, the test yesterday is over.  Yes, that is a HUGE relieft to have it off my plate...but there is still more to do.  Work is really overwhelming right now too.  REALLY OVERWHELMING.  Our district wants an effective teacher in every classroom and in the process to make that happen, they're going to send MANY effective teachers packing.  I won't go into the details since this is a public blog. 

In the course of my conversation with Mom, I tell her I have to remind myself that I really do WANT this degree.  I CHOSE to go to school.  I WANT to graduate and I HAVE learned A LOT and ENJOYED most of my classes and learning.

All of that to say, J's status really hit home. I need to be relying on Christ alone.  I need to go to Him when I'm tired and overwhelmed.  I need to quit relying on my own energy, stamina, knowledge and experience.  I need to realize He is my refuge.  My cup isn't currently overflowing...and that's my own fault because I'm not going to Christ or spending time in His word daily.

So often I feel as if I'm making it.  I'm in control.  I've got my act together.  That's a crock.  I have a black heart full of sin and I'm a messed up woman.  Christ has redeemed me and too often I forget that.

Jesus, thanks for the reminder.  I needed it today.

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