My eyes have been on the wrong prize

I've been thinking about this post for awhile.  I hope I get all the words right.

I've realized recently that I have a lot to learn.  Don't get me wrong.  This is not a new phenomenon.  But, hey, we all need to be reminded occasionally, right?

I received my last pay check from HISD on June 20.  It was 3.5 paychecks all in one lump sum.  If I had received them as individual paychecks, I would have received the 3rd one on August 1.

Moving is expensive.  Can I get an "Amen!"?

I receive my first paycheck from Frisco ISD on September 15.  For those of you doing the math, that means I'm missing two paychecks.  And for those of you checking a calendar for today's date, that means I'm out of money.  As in, I don't have funds for September's rent or car payment.  I can pay this month's car insurance, but won't have finances for next month's car insurance.

Throughout all of this, I have realized I have trusted myself for my finances.  Wow!  That's an eye opening and convicting thought.  Yuck!  Believe you, me.  I've had several conversations with myself about this.  "What a minute, Alyssa!  You mean, you haven't been trusting the Lord to provide for you daily?!  You know better than that."

I'm right.

I do know better than that.

I'm not sure when my mindset started to slide, but I began to trust in my bank account and not in the One who created me and my needs.  I began to think I was hot stuff, and did not give credit to the One who deserves ALL credit.  I'm humbled to realize I became arrogant.  I'm sickened to think that I began to take my "American" way of life for granted.  I've been out of this country.  I've seen the way most of the world lives.  We, here in America, we're the weird ones.  We're NOT normal.  I began to think I was better.  I can't excuse that.  I'm not okay with that, even.  But, in looking back, I realize that was my mindset.

I have no idea where groceries are going to come from, how rent is going to be paid, or how I will safely drive my car.  I don't have an inkling how the car payment will get paid, or the electricity bill or how I will have gas in my car.  And, right now, I'm not okay with that.  I'm working to trust...but I'm not there yet.  I'm working to believe in Him for all of my needs, but I'm struggling with how much change that means He's asking of me.

And that's the bottom line, isn't it?  He wants change.  And change is hard.  He wants all of my trust.  And I didn't think I was, but apparently I'm giving that grudgingly.  I'm praying for a heart change.  And I'm asking Him to provide that heart change.  Once He provides that, and I know He will, then I will no longer need to worry about finances, because my changed heart will know He will take care of it.